Frustration

As we reach the 7th week of KRH, I feel as though a major feeling in our household these past few days is frustration.

That might not be fair on our behalf. Last week, KRH had some nights where he’d sleep for 4-5 hours at night, and my wife was starting to feel human. KRH was also acting happy and less fussy, so we had a view of the promised land. This weekend, he slept more erratically and only when someone is holding him, and therefore we slept less. He also caught me a pretty good one via headbutt to the mouth (he’s surprisingly strong), and lately seems to cry immediately when I hold him. So some frustration is inevitable, because my wife feels like she can’t put him down, and I feel like I’m not being all that useful.

Now, when I’m not feeling frustrated, I know this is likely just a phase. KRH is growing and still very young. And surely we’re not the first parents to have a frustrating baby, especially at 7 weeks. In fact, I think we’re doing well, given the challenges of having a baby that age. In fact, we tell ourselves (and even believe it) that most of the time he’s a pretty good baby. It’s not like he does anything to frustrate us on purpose.

So where does this leave me with writing? Not exactly where I want to be. I was hoping to have finished my NaNoWriMo draft by now, and to be into a quick first pass of rewriting. As it turns out, I’m still 10k words away from the end of the draft, and it’s going to end up in worse shape than I’d anticipated. That’s okay because I think I know how to fix it, but the last week or so hasn’t been all that productive. And that has to be okay. Fingers are still striking keyboard. Words are still getting written. There are going to be days where I’m lucky to get in just a little work.

Here’s an example. Sunday was busy. I didn’t sleep that great, we had to go to brunch at my parent’s home, we needed to get groceries and cook for the week, and I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Now, I could have made better use of some of my time, but I didn’t because my head was in a frustrated space. So, at the suggestion of my wife, I managed 15 minutes of writing in the car on the way to brunch. It was only about 500 words, but that was 500 words I was unlikely to have written otherwise.

There are going to be days like that. Weeks and months, too. The purpose of this blog is to talk about being a writer who is also a parent, but really I’m a parent who is also a writer. Writing is my heart job; and I’ve been writing seriously for a couple of years and spent a lot of blood and sweat, tears and toil. But in becoming a parent, I’ve taken on an obligation to my wife and son that I simply can’t blow off. In some ways, they’re competing jobs; both will take as much time as I can give them, and I’ll always feel dissatisfied with how much time I can put into them. But right now, there’s a clear winner in priorities and that’s being a parent.

 

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